


Master N

by DracoNako



Category: World of Warcraft
Genre: Gay Male Character, Harems, Humor, Inappropriate Humor, Sexual Humor, Sugar Daddy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 19:39:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12372648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DracoNako/pseuds/DracoNako
Summary: The story of Nahiir, a Draenei Shaman, and the accidental harem he forged in his guild after shaming a Gamer Bro.Lots of "gamer language", meaning there's dudes calling other dudes "queer" and shit.Also, lots of dick jokes.





	1. ...And How This All Started

With a final slam of his staff, Hymen spat out the side of his mouth, spittle catching on his threadbare beard, and said, “Dude, you fucking suck.”

He was of referring to the sole Shaman of the group, Nahiir, whose cat sat at his feet. This was the same cat, of course, who was just responsible for almost killing the entire group.

Nahiir quirked a eyebrow. “You’re one to talk, yaknow. Can’t even handle your staff.”

“I handle my staff just fine, thank you. Staffs are my specialty.”

Nahiir’s other eyebrow raised to join the first. Hymen’s pale face turned red.

“I meant… I know how to use my weapon.” He held his staff aloft and sneered. “Meanwhile, talentless ilk like yourself would be lucky to ever see hymen again. I mean,” he gestured to Nahiir’s mace. “What the fuck even _is_ that?”

Stonefaced, Nahiir replied, “It’s my mace.” As he spoke, the blue, fleshy surface of his weapon twitched. Hymen averted his eyes.

“It looks like a dick.”

“That’s the point.”

“At least I get more pussy than you do. Don’t know how you attract any girls with shit like that.”

Nahiir opened his mouth to respond, but thought better of it. Arguing with this human would kill more brain cells than he was willing to part with. His mouth closed. Then, after a moment, a new thought came to him. “Can you even _see_ hymens?”

Hymen blinked. “What?”

“You told me I would be lucky to ever see hymen again – cause, yaknow, I suck so much.” Nahiir fought to keep a grin off his face. “I’m not familiar with the anatomy of you humans, so I’m curious. Can you see hymen?”

If he had just set off a boobytrap, he would’ve probably gotten a better reaction. Instead, Hymen stuttered, face so red Nahiir was nervous he would pop a blood vessel. Or several.

Finally, “Yes, of course you can!”

“I’m just.” Nahiir paused when dew splashed on his nose. “Curious as to how that works is all.”

“Dude, I’ve conquered a bunch of girls. I think I know what hymen looks like.”

Nahiir sheathed his phallic-like mace before holding his hands up in surrender. “It was just a question.” Then, with a wry twist of his mouth, he continued, “Did you just say a _conquest_?”

“Yeah.”

“Why… did you call it that?”

Hymen’s nose wrinkled, disrupting his yellowing beard. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, don’t human women find that degrading?”

“Nah. They totally dig it.”

Nahiir’s frown deepened. Somehow, he seriously doubted that. “But… conquests are shit for like dungeons” – he gestured to the cave walls surrounding them – “and colonialism or something. Not for sexual adventures.”

“Whatever, bro. I’ve fucked more women than you. Happy?”

Somehow, Nahiir doubted this, too.


	2. ...And the Failed Bet

Nahiir and Hymen returned to their guild hall without issue, hearthstones heavy in their hands. Hymen wouldn’t look his way – which was fine with Nahiir. He’d just as soon the twiggish human never looked at or spoke to him again. All this talk of improper human anatomy and “conquering” just exhausted him.

Sighing, Nahiir pocketed his hearthstone as dank cave walls morphed to change into the black-and-red ones of the foyer. Gone was the dewy stench, replaced by sweaty armpits and sweatier testicles… and something burning.

Nahiir sighed again. He wished he could go back to his husband. Anything with him was better than being stuck within the scented confines of a primordial gym locker.

After turning in his quest for the day, Nahiir moved through the maze that was his guild hall and towards his room, but conversation from the kitchen stopped him in his tracks.

“—it’s like he’s a queer or somethin’. Like, how do you not know what a hymen is?”

Nahiir bristled. While it was true he _did_ fancy men (and women, under the right circumstances), that had nothing to do with his knowledge of anatomy. And even with his husband in mind, Nahiir realized that, somehow, he knew more about the human body than his guildmates did.

The thought brought an awful churning to his stomach.

“I mean,” replied a softer voice, “did he _say_ he didn’t know what they are?”

A pregnant pause. Then, “…No. But he acted like I didn’t.”

_Because you don’t._

“Your name _is_ Hymen. Even ironically, you’d think you know more than him.”

_You don’t even know what ‘ironically’ means._

“And then he gave me shit for calling sex a ‘conquest’.” Something metal thunked. “Definitely bet he’s a queer.”

Nahiir bristled again, heat filling his face, and clenched his hands into fists. With a deep breath, he ran them through his hair, over his horns, and fixed the door in front of him with a heavy glare.

_Showtime._

When the door swung open, Hymen was the first to look shocked. His spoon plummeted from his hand to the table, spraying globs of whatever Grizwold had made across the wooden surface. Beneath the anger, Nahiir felt the faintest twinge of satisfaction.

_Boom, bitch._

“You uh… Just got here, right?” Hymen asked as, with trembling hands, he made to retrieve his spoon.

“Oh, yeah.”

“So you missed our conversation, then.”

Nahiir flashed a toothless smile. “Sure.” He pat the throbbing phallus mace at his hip.

The color flooded out of Hymen’s face. “Y-you didn’t hear us?”

The door slammed shut with the wave of Nahiir’s hand. He strode across the room, hooves clicking, and set his burly frame down into an empty chair. His chin rest against the back of it as, glowering, he replied, “I heard you think I’m a queer.”

Hymen’s spoon trembled too bad for him to use, so he dunked it into his bowl of slop. “I didn’t mean it like that, dude. I meant—“

Nahiir held a hand up. “Frankly, I don’t care.”

Grizwold, the cook of the day, clawed his way onto the table and lugged the cooking pot behind him to Nahiir. The pot was easily taller than he was. A twinge of pity filled Nahiir’s heart for the gnome. The scrapping noise cleaved the conversation in two.

Finally, Grizwold and his massive cooking pot ground to a stop. “Stew?” he asked, lilac mustache twitching.

Nahiir nodded. “Please.” Then he looked to Hymen. “The thing is, I really don’t give a shit if you think I’m a dick-sucker or not. That shouldn’t matter. I’m more curious as to…” He paused to give an acknowledging nod to Grizwold and the bowl he’d offered. “How diverse your knowledge is.”

One of Hymen’s bushy eyebrows arched. “You serious?”

Nahiir shrugged before picking up his spoon. “Sure.” He dunked his utensil into the brown, bubbling slop. “I’ll give you half my earnings from this last dungeon if you can convince me a woman so much as let you touch her recently.”

Hymen’s face went red. He clenched his jaw. Nahiir could see the gears turning in his small, miserable brain.

“You… You’re serious?”

Nahiir fished through his backpack for his money sack. When he found it, he snatched it up and threw it on the table. It was a large sack, easily half the size of Grizwold, and fell on the table with a heavy thud. Coins clinked from inside.

“I don’t know how much is in there, but it’s worth your while if you can convince me.”

“I just gotta, tell you the last time I had sex?”

Nahiir shrugged. “Sure.”

“What’re you, a fucking cuck?”

Fighting back a laugh, Nahiir replied, “I think you’re using that word wrong. Cucks watch their partners get fucked when it happens. I just wanna hear about the last time you…” He paused, his next words like rocks on his tongue. “ _Conquered_ a girl.”

Silence filled the room, interrupted only by clinking spoons and the groaning of chairs. Hymen vibrated in his seat and shifted his gaze from Nahiir to the money pouch and back again.

“She was a wench from Ironforge,” Hymen said at last, folding his hands in front of him.

“Name?”

“Don’t remember.”

Nahiir made a noise in the back of his throat. _Of course you don’t._

“Anyway, right. A wench in Ironforge. Think I saw her for Brewfest or somethin’. I was really hammered, so I don’t remember much, but…”

He reached for the money sack and Nahiir snatched it away.

“What the hell?”

“I said the money was yours if you could convince me. That story was shitty. And I’m not convinced. And it doesn’t count if you can’t remember much about it.” Slowly, he set the money bag back down. “Try again.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me…” Hymen sucked air in through his teeth and stroked his stringy beard. Again, the gears in his pathetic brain churned. “What about…” His face lit up. “There was a Draenei chick in Shattrath City.” His eyes narrowed. “She kinda looked like you. But then, don’t all Draenei?”

Deadpanned, Nahiir replied, “That’s racist.”

“Whatever. You’re just sensitive. Coulda been your sister, for all I cared. Anyway, hot little thing with a nice ass.”

Nahiir was not amused. “Did you see her hymen?”

“Excuse me?”

“Her hymen. Did you see it?”

Hymen chuckled. “Of course I did.”

“False.” Nahiir set his money bag on his lap, beard twitching as he ground his teeth together. “The only way you could see that shit is with a telescope, you pathetic liar. You know, I’m starting to seriously question if you’ve ever fucked a girl before.”

This got Hymen’s attention. “Excuse me? What do you know? I bet you’re too busy sucking cock to know what a girl even looks like!”

With a deep breath, Nahiir fingered the coins in his pouch and stared Hymen dead in the eyes. Around them, the other guild members muttered to each other in voices so quite Nahiir couldn’t make out the words.

Finally, Grizwold fixed his wire-framed glasses and spoke. “I uh… haven’t been able to have sex with my girlfriend… cause her hymen’s so thick.”

_Oh, you poor uneducated child._ Nahiir pinched the bridge of his nose. “That’s not…”

“It is, though. I’ve tried putting my dick in and she just… pushes it back out. Like a bouncy ball.”

_That’s not the image I wanted, and it’s never going to be._ “Are you sure she just didn’t want to have sex with you?”

“I mean, it went _in_ just not very _far_ and—“

“You know what, I regret asking. Just… forget it.” Nahiir turned back to Hymen. “Got anything?”

“I made the last girl I fucked bleed.”

Except it didn’t come from Hymen’s mouth, like Nahiir desperately wanted it to. Instead, a skinny Night Elf had said it as he plopped down into his chair. Tseron.

“You… know that’s not how it’s supposed to work, right?” Nahiir asked, nose wrinkled. The more his guildies talked, the more concerned he got for them. And for women.

“Blood gushes out of the vagina when you have sex with a virgin,” Tseron replied. “I’ve done it enough to know this.”

As much as he wanted to slam his head into his hands, Nahiir knew he couldn’t. “You sure you didn’t just… barrel into her? Without prep?”

“I prep them. I always prep them.”

“Was she on her period?”

Tseron’s nose wrinkled and he grimaced. “ _Ew_! No! Are you kidding me?”

_Children. I am stuck with a bunch of children, all trapped in the bodies of middle-aged men._ Nahiir picked up his spoon and took a tentative slurp of his soup. _I don’t have the patience for this shit._

“How do you prep girls?”

Nahiir swore he could’ve heard a pin drop in the silence that followed.

“You’ve… had sex with women before,” Hymen said, “right?”

“Of course I have. I just want to know your technique is all.” As he spoke, he pulled his mace from the strap at his hip and set it on the table. Grabbing a stray edge of his tunic, he ripped it off before tying a knot and setting it down as well. “So,” Nahiir said, gesturing to both objects, “show me.”

Hymen paled as he reached for Nahiir’s throbbing mace, but he touched it at last. “I still think you’re a cuck,” he grumbled before taking the cloth loop and moving it back and forth around the mace. “Like that.”

_The gods are testing me._ “So you just jam it in there?”

“That’s the general idea of it, innit?”

_You poor child._ “I mean, in the end. But you at least… get her worked up first, right?”

“I tongue-kiss her a bit, yeah.”

_Oh for the love of—_ “That’s not exactly what I meant.”

“Eh?”

Desperate, Nahiir turned to Grizwold. “You prepped your lady friend when you tried, yes?”

“Like, touched her and shit?” Grizwold adjusted his glasses again. “Of course I did.”

“How.”

Pink painted Grizwold’s cheeks as, bending down, he said, “This is ridiculous…” He took the leather loop and lay it flat on his palm before touching a point above it. “You like… touch there.”

“The hymen,” Tseron replied with a grim nod.

_I… what?_ “That’s not—“

Tseron’s glare cut Nahiir off before he could speak. Nahiir pressed his lips together.

_Why have the gods forsaken me?_


End file.
